Anxiety, hooray

I have always had a little bit of anxiety, but I have also always been able to push it aside. I am not the social butterfly that is my husband, but I can usually make conversation in a group, and around my friends and family I talk a lot. This overwhelming anxiety is a new feeling for me. I had to go to school Wednesday afternoon to talk with the teacher who has been substituting for me. I did not plan well. I chose 3 o'clock, thinking all the kids would be gone. I didn't think about the fact that all of the adults would still be there. As I walked through the parking lot, a less than tactful colleague (we'll just call him Jeffrey) said hello, and then asked where I had been. My response was "out." He said, loudly, "No, you have been gone for 2 or 3 weeks, where have you been?!" I responded with "Actually, Jeffrey, I have been gone for 8 weeks, and I would rather not talk about it." I managed to make it past him, but I could feel the tension in my chest increasing. I was taking in huge gulps of air. I just wanted to run back to my car. Thankfully another colleague came around the corner at this exact time and helped me calm myself down as the tears fell. I pulled myself together and walked through the doors. Nothing feels the same anymore. My classroom doesn't feel like it is mine, the hallways (which I have not only walked as a teacher for the last 7 years, but also as a student for 4 before that) don't feel right somehow.

My department was having a meeting, but I didn't go in. I did not stop to say hello. I can't be that person right now, I don't want to be that person anymore. I went straight to my room and sat down with Rich. He sat behind my desk and I sat in a student desk. It was like an out of body experience. This is my room, these are my things, but this is not right, none of it is right. Rich was great, we discussed what the kids had been doing, and talked about how we saw the rest of the semester going. I told him that since he will be with me first period, I would really like for him to take the lead in that class. He agreed, whatever I needed we would do. He asked me if I wanted him to tell the kids what happened. I said yes, and then yesterday I emailed him the statement I wanted him to make. I told him it was very important to me that he did not use the term "miscarriage" or the phrase "lost the baby." I explained that Sawyer was born alive, and that those two things really grate my nerves. I asked him to tell the kids that I had a baby, but that he was much too early and did not live very long. He emailed me back that he appreciated me helping him know what to say, and that he himself was a victim of not understanding what happened. Before I left, we went down and talked to my principal and vice-principals. They all seem very sympathetic and willing to help in any way they can. I hope that continues. By the time I left my anxiety had eased, but I know Monday is going to be the hardest. I am trying not to dwell on it, but the pit in my stomach has already started to form, and sometimes just the thought of having to go back makes my chest tighten.

This past weekend, Colin and I went to Williamsburg (some pictures above) for a little break. We left Thursday afternoon. On Friday, we went to Colonial Williamsburg. The weather was beautiful, and we had a great day together. We walked through the streets, checked out the shops and went through some of the tours. There were people there with babies and pregnant women, but it wasn't crowded so I didn't feel overwhelmed by it. I could simply move away, and that felt better. We had lunch at The King's Arms Tavern. It was fantastic. That night we went to a sushi restaurant in town, and it was great sushi. We will definitely go back to that restaurant on our next visit. Saturday was a different story. Before we went we had looked at the weather. The prediction had been rain Friday, sunny Saturday. We decided on the order of our visit, and chose Saturday for Busch Gardens. It rained. We stopped at K-Mart and bought rain jackets and headed to the park. At first it was great, not a lot of people, so the lines were short. We rode a roller coaster and had some beer. We decided to walk through the park, maybe see a show. We saw what might have been the worst Halloween musical ever designed. It was a mesh of every scary creature (Frankenstein's Monster, Dracula, Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon,) eighties music, half-naked dancing nurses (not really sure why Dr. "Freakenstein" needed nurses) an The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was awful. When we got out of the show, the park was packed. My anxiety reared its ugly head. Babies everywhere! WHO BRINGS AN INFANT TO A THEME PARK? Apparently lots of people. By the time we ate lunch I was miserable, but I tried to hide it. We saw an animal show (which made me want a pet fox) and then we both decided it was time to go. A couple with a brand new baby (I swear it couldn't have been more than a month old) was in one of the gift shops we stopped in on our way out. I quickly exited, but then there they were again, on the tram to the parking lots. And getting off at the same stop, and parked in a row near us. I felt like I couldn't get away. I know I am going to have to see babies, and peoples announcements, and pregnant women, but I wish I could just shut off the part of my brain that zones in on it. My chest hurts when I see them. Seeing friends announcements makes me want to scream "Something could go wrong! It did for us." But that wouldn't be fair, I can't take their happiness just because mine is gone.

My grief counselor said she believes that I am a strong person and that my anxiety will decrease as time goes on. It is part of my grief and my minds way of trying to protect me. She said my hope will return too, but that I have to be gentle with myself. Maybe she is right, but to be honest, I don't feel very hopeful for the future and anxiety sucks.