I am trying to get past the "what if" part of my grief. I am accepting that Sawyer is gone, and there is nothing that I can do to change that. It doesn't make me miss or love him less, but it does help to put one foot in front of the other and to stop crying constantly. I know that there will still be things that trigger tears, like hugs and sympathy cards, but not spending the entire day crying makes me feel less broken. Instead, I feel zombie-like. I am doing things, I am around people, but all with a layer of fog between us.
Thursday night I went to get my hair cut. My sisters and Aunt Mary went with me. I needed to change my hair, I had been growing it out during pregnancy and not coloring it. One of those "trying to do everything right" during pregnancy things. I felt like getting it cut and colored would be a good step in moving forward. Like the alcohol and brie, there was a pang of guilt, but I know that I can't get better if I don't allow myself things that make me feel better. I really like my hair. We went out to dinner after, and it was nice to hear about other things going on in everyone's lives. It did make me realize that if I want Sawyer acknowledged, or what happened acknowledged, I will have to bring it up. I get that people don't want to upset me, so I can adjust to that.
Friday night Colin and I went to my brother's house for dinner. My nephew (who is 5) right away said, "Hi Aunt Cheryl, I hear your baby came too early." All I could say was "Yes, he did come too early." This is one of the things I have been dreading, my youngest nieces and nephews talking about Sawyer. My niece was very excited about me having a baby, and I haven't seen her yet, but I am worried about her asking me about the baby. Colin seemed really concerned about me when my nephew asked about Sawyer, but I took a minuted to breathe and got it together. He is only 5, clearly he wasn't trying to upset me. The concept of a baby and in particular a dead baby is beyond his reasoning right now. It was nice to talk to my sister-in-law. She said there seems to be a bit of confusion at my work about what happened. She said some people have referred to my miscarriage. She has corrected them, I did not have a miscarriage, Sawyer was born. I worry that this will be something I have to correct for a long time. People not understanding the terminology, and not realizing that my son was alive when he was born, he was just too early for the doctors to be able to do anything to keep him alive.
Yesterday was a nice day. My husband decided we should do a day trip like the ones we did when we first started dating. We were just going to get in the car and go, and check out different places. We started at Great Falls, and the weather was great. I only wish I had worn more "outdoorsy" shoes and clothes. We are definitely going to go back, so next time I will be more prepared. We left the falls and headed towards DC. We decided to go to Chinatown. We walked around and decided on the Spanish tapas restaurant (in Chinatown, makes all the sense in the world.) The food was very nice. At one point I started zoning out, and Colin asked me what I was thinking about. I didn't answer, but what I was thinking was "This is not what I pictured for us this fall." I had pictured us preparing for a baby in the winter, and I had pictured us hanging with friends and family. My sister had a party at her house last night, I chose not to go. When Colin asked I told him I was not feeling particularly jovial and did not want to be the "Debbie downer" at the party. He understood. We headed home and stopped in Bowie to get Starbucks. While there, we decided to look around jewelry stores. Our 2nd anniversary is next week, and I had told Colin I would like to get a ring with sapphire (Sawyer's birthstone) as piece of memorial jewelry. He wanted me to pick it out because he wanted it to be something I liked. I found a beautiful silver, sapphire and diamond ring that I really liked. At the same time, I hate that I have to get a piece of memorial jewelry for my son. My son shouldn't be dead, he was a perfect healthy baby whose misfortune was in having a mother with an incompetent cervix. We sent the ring off to be sized, and I am excited to get it back on the 10th of October.
Colin and I are planning to go away in October, we have booked a three day weekend in Williamsburg, VA. It is a chance for us to get away from the house and be with each other. No distractions or other people, just us. We are using some money that I was planning to save for things we didn't get at a baby shower. I think this trip will be good for us.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
A So-So Day
I was thinking about my 1st year of spanish class today when Colin asked me how my day was. I remember always answering "asi asi" when someone would ask "Como estas." "So So." What a perfect way to describe this day. There were positives. I went to lunch with one of my very best friends, and we talked about Sawyer and other things. She understands that talking about him is okay and that it validates that he was here. She understood my sudden burst of anger when I got a sympathy card today that said "sorry to hear about your miscarriage." I wanted to scream in the middle of my driveway "I DID NOT HAVE A MISCARRIAGE!" My son was born, his heart was beating, he died. I don't say this to diminish the pain of someone who has had a miscarriage, I cannot imagine that as I have never had one, but neonatal death and miscarriage are different. It felt good to talk to her and to not have to fake being okay.
I made the decision when I knew that Sawyer was going to be born too early that I would not put my maternity clothes back on. I had just gone shopping for new ones before the school year started, and I could not see putting any of them back on when I was no longer pregnant and had no baby to bring home. I have been washing them and putting them in a space bag. Perhaps when we try again I will revisit them, maybe not. We'll see how I feel when the time comes. I decided that while I was out today I would stop at Old Navy and buy some non-maternity clothes to restock my supply and maybe even have a little "retail therapy." Maybe I should have just shopped online. I was doing okay looking for clothes, then a little red haired girl in a stroller said hello to me, and I almost lost it. My husband has red hair, and I always pictured Sawyer with red hair. He was too small for his hair to have pigment when he was born, so I will never know if he would have had red hair, but it still got me to see this happy little girl. The next hurdle was the dressing room. I had to walk through the baby section to get to it. I had officially had enough by the time I made it into the dressing room. I sat on the bench and cried for about 5 minutes, trying to stay quiet about it. Once I pulled myself together I tried on some clothes. They fit, but nothing felt right. I bought some stuff, but it lacked the excitement I used to get from new clothes. Everything seems bland or blurry right now. Like I am swimming through tar in the fog. Everything takes more effort and I can't see things all that well. It was an asi asi kind of day. Good things and bad things, and right now that seems the best that I can hope for.
I made the decision when I knew that Sawyer was going to be born too early that I would not put my maternity clothes back on. I had just gone shopping for new ones before the school year started, and I could not see putting any of them back on when I was no longer pregnant and had no baby to bring home. I have been washing them and putting them in a space bag. Perhaps when we try again I will revisit them, maybe not. We'll see how I feel when the time comes. I decided that while I was out today I would stop at Old Navy and buy some non-maternity clothes to restock my supply and maybe even have a little "retail therapy." Maybe I should have just shopped online. I was doing okay looking for clothes, then a little red haired girl in a stroller said hello to me, and I almost lost it. My husband has red hair, and I always pictured Sawyer with red hair. He was too small for his hair to have pigment when he was born, so I will never know if he would have had red hair, but it still got me to see this happy little girl. The next hurdle was the dressing room. I had to walk through the baby section to get to it. I had officially had enough by the time I made it into the dressing room. I sat on the bench and cried for about 5 minutes, trying to stay quiet about it. Once I pulled myself together I tried on some clothes. They fit, but nothing felt right. I bought some stuff, but it lacked the excitement I used to get from new clothes. Everything seems bland or blurry right now. Like I am swimming through tar in the fog. Everything takes more effort and I can't see things all that well. It was an asi asi kind of day. Good things and bad things, and right now that seems the best that I can hope for.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Maybe too much too soon...
I asked Colin if we could go out last night to dinner. I thought, I need to get out of this house and so we should go. We invited two of our friends to go with us. I had two stipulations, we needed to go out of town so that I didn't run into someone I knew, and our friends could not hug me because that seems to be my trigger for crying. I know crying is okay, but I did not want to cry right before we went to dinner. I found out that maybe I wasn't ready, but in typical me fashion, I just pushed through it.
Things I am struggling with:
1. It felt like they put us in the baby/little boy section. Babies everywhere, little boys everywhere. I couldn't handle it. There was a baby about 5 feet away, and I kept finding my eyes traveling to the baby and then away before I started crying. I wonder how long this is going to last. It is like when you buy a new car and then you see a bunch of people with that same car, except it is the car you really wanted and don't get to have and everyone else has it.
2. I had trouble making eye contact or conversation with our friends. I love them, and I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. It was just hard. I find eye contact with most people really difficult right now.
3. I ordered a margarita and felt that pang of guilt and longing. I shouldn't have been able to drink that, I shouldn't be drinking, I should still be pregnant.
4. The baby weight is gone, I miss my pregnant body. I miss feeling my son.
I know I will have to work through these struggles. I made some paintings the other day, and it seemed to help get some of my feelings. I think more painting is in the future. Every day I just pause and tell Sawyer that I love him, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I just have to say it out loud when it strikes me. I hope I never stop doing that, no matter the tears it brings or the sudden bit of pain in my heart. I love my son, and I am a mother even if he is no longer here with me. I will never forget him, I will never get over him, I will always have him in my heart.
Things I am struggling with:
1. It felt like they put us in the baby/little boy section. Babies everywhere, little boys everywhere. I couldn't handle it. There was a baby about 5 feet away, and I kept finding my eyes traveling to the baby and then away before I started crying. I wonder how long this is going to last. It is like when you buy a new car and then you see a bunch of people with that same car, except it is the car you really wanted and don't get to have and everyone else has it.
2. I had trouble making eye contact or conversation with our friends. I love them, and I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. It was just hard. I find eye contact with most people really difficult right now.
3. I ordered a margarita and felt that pang of guilt and longing. I shouldn't have been able to drink that, I shouldn't be drinking, I should still be pregnant.
4. The baby weight is gone, I miss my pregnant body. I miss feeling my son.
I know I will have to work through these struggles. I made some paintings the other day, and it seemed to help get some of my feelings. I think more painting is in the future. Every day I just pause and tell Sawyer that I love him, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I just have to say it out loud when it strikes me. I hope I never stop doing that, no matter the tears it brings or the sudden bit of pain in my heart. I love my son, and I am a mother even if he is no longer here with me. I will never forget him, I will never get over him, I will always have him in my heart.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Get It Together Girl
I find myself repeating that mantra today. A friend of mine welcomed her little girl to the world today, and she has been through so much tragedy that I can't help but be overjoyed for her. At the same time I feel a burning heart ache. I looked forward to the same joy in January, and I just cannot seem to be connected to people who get that joy when I do not. I do not begrudge them their children, but I am jealous. I don't know how to let go of that jealousy. Nothing about this is fair. Maybe I should turn off my Facebook for a while. Just disengage with the outside world until I am ready to be truly happy for people.
I decided to start painting again, I am not the best, but it does help to get out some of my feelings on the canvas. This blogging seems to be helping too. Putting my feelings down in writing seems to verify them, and to let me get them out. I am still angry, and it is okay for me to feel angry. I also asked my sister to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I plan to make a drastic change. I was letting my hair stay long because someone suggested that I would probably want it out of the way when I gave birth in January. Now I just want it gone. I want it a different color (I wasn't dying it because of the baby) and I want it gone. I feel guilty taking a drink, guzzling caffeine, eating brie and I will probably feel guilty dying my hair. I shouldn't be able to do these things right now, I should still be pregnant. I want to scream that at the top of my lungs, but I can't find the air. I SHOULD STILL BE PREGNANT. My body robbed me of this, and I want to shed my own skin and get out of this traitorous body. Ugh. Get it together girl. There is no snapping out of this, I need to grieve and be kind to myself, but it is a challenge. Get it together.
I decided to start painting again, I am not the best, but it does help to get out some of my feelings on the canvas. This blogging seems to be helping too. Putting my feelings down in writing seems to verify them, and to let me get them out. I am still angry, and it is okay for me to feel angry. I also asked my sister to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I plan to make a drastic change. I was letting my hair stay long because someone suggested that I would probably want it out of the way when I gave birth in January. Now I just want it gone. I want it a different color (I wasn't dying it because of the baby) and I want it gone. I feel guilty taking a drink, guzzling caffeine, eating brie and I will probably feel guilty dying my hair. I shouldn't be able to do these things right now, I should still be pregnant. I want to scream that at the top of my lungs, but I can't find the air. I SHOULD STILL BE PREGNANT. My body robbed me of this, and I want to shed my own skin and get out of this traitorous body. Ugh. Get it together girl. There is no snapping out of this, I need to grieve and be kind to myself, but it is a challenge. Get it together.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Two Weeks
On Tuesday I went out to lunch with my sister, and while it felt awkward to be out among people, it felt good to talk to her. We talked about my hospital stay, and about Sawyer, but we also talked about other things. It was a reminder to me that while my world stopped spinning, the rest of the world kept going.
Yesterday marked two weeks since I gave birth to Sawyer. Two weeks since I heard his heartbeat or felt him move. Two weeks since I said goodbye. I had a hard morning thinking about all that happened. Again, the "what ifs" got to me. I had my first appointment with my OB since my hospital stay in the afternoon. The waiting room was hard. There was a woman there with her little boy and she was pregnant. Her little boy was acting up and she was trying to remain calm. All I could think was, I am jealous of your ability to deal with a tantrum. In the appointment, I was reminded that my doctor is an amazing guy. I was prepared for an exam. Instead, he came in and just talked to me. He wanted to know how I was doing both physically and emotionally. He encouraged me to seek someone to talk to, but also to find my own way to heal. He told me to find things that I like doing and not to feel guilty about doing them. He also reassured me that there was nothing I did wrong. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my incompetent cervix was a tragic occurrence. He told me that the infection I had contracted because my membranes were exposed was E. coli. He said that if they had tried to delay labor the infection, even with antibiotics would have continued to grow and that not only would we have lost Sawyer, but probably me as well. He said when I go see him in October he will do an exam, and we will talk about future pregnancies, although he doesn't want me to get pregnant right away (neither do I.)
None of this makes me miss Sawyer less, I miss feeling him move and knowing he is here. I miss the plans that I had for him. I saw a Halloween commercial this morning and thought about how I had planned to wear one of those funny Halloween maternity shirts to school that day. I got mad, again at my body. It let me down, it let Colin down and it let Sawyer down. Commercials are hard, particularly ones for baby stuff. I emailed BabysRUs the other day to shut down my registry. I deleted my pinterest board of baby stuff. It feels like doing those things are part of letting go of Sawyer and they make me want to punch a wall. I feel angry and empty and heartbroken. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, and there are about ten seconds between sleep and awake where it feels that way. Then I wake up and I am back in this nightmare. I want to remember the good things, the joy that he brought me, but I think it is still too fresh. I remember the pain of contractions and the pain of knowing I couldn't stop them. I remember the pain of holding him, knowing he couldn't be saved. I remember the numbness of the next four days, laying in a hospital bed, being pumped full of antibiotics, and thinking I just needed to get home to grieve. How could I grieve in the same room where I gave birth to my son? I am waiting for a full day where I can remember the joy and not the pain. In the meantime I am trying to take the advice of some of the other moms who have experienced loss, I am trying to be gentle with myself.
Yesterday marked two weeks since I gave birth to Sawyer. Two weeks since I heard his heartbeat or felt him move. Two weeks since I said goodbye. I had a hard morning thinking about all that happened. Again, the "what ifs" got to me. I had my first appointment with my OB since my hospital stay in the afternoon. The waiting room was hard. There was a woman there with her little boy and she was pregnant. Her little boy was acting up and she was trying to remain calm. All I could think was, I am jealous of your ability to deal with a tantrum. In the appointment, I was reminded that my doctor is an amazing guy. I was prepared for an exam. Instead, he came in and just talked to me. He wanted to know how I was doing both physically and emotionally. He encouraged me to seek someone to talk to, but also to find my own way to heal. He told me to find things that I like doing and not to feel guilty about doing them. He also reassured me that there was nothing I did wrong. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my incompetent cervix was a tragic occurrence. He told me that the infection I had contracted because my membranes were exposed was E. coli. He said that if they had tried to delay labor the infection, even with antibiotics would have continued to grow and that not only would we have lost Sawyer, but probably me as well. He said when I go see him in October he will do an exam, and we will talk about future pregnancies, although he doesn't want me to get pregnant right away (neither do I.)
None of this makes me miss Sawyer less, I miss feeling him move and knowing he is here. I miss the plans that I had for him. I saw a Halloween commercial this morning and thought about how I had planned to wear one of those funny Halloween maternity shirts to school that day. I got mad, again at my body. It let me down, it let Colin down and it let Sawyer down. Commercials are hard, particularly ones for baby stuff. I emailed BabysRUs the other day to shut down my registry. I deleted my pinterest board of baby stuff. It feels like doing those things are part of letting go of Sawyer and they make me want to punch a wall. I feel angry and empty and heartbroken. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, and there are about ten seconds between sleep and awake where it feels that way. Then I wake up and I am back in this nightmare. I want to remember the good things, the joy that he brought me, but I think it is still too fresh. I remember the pain of contractions and the pain of knowing I couldn't stop them. I remember the pain of holding him, knowing he couldn't be saved. I remember the numbness of the next four days, laying in a hospital bed, being pumped full of antibiotics, and thinking I just needed to get home to grieve. How could I grieve in the same room where I gave birth to my son? I am waiting for a full day where I can remember the joy and not the pain. In the meantime I am trying to take the advice of some of the other moms who have experienced loss, I am trying to be gentle with myself.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Shattered Dreams
I had planned on starting a blog once Sawyer was born to share pictures of him and stories of his first word, steps, etc. While I cannot share those first milestones, I can share Sawyer's story and in the process let out some of the grief that I have.
Sawyer's Story- Colin and I have talked about having kids together since we first started dating. I liked to joke with him, when he would say he wanted kids, that if he liked it he better put a ring on it. Well, it took him long enough, but he did finally put a ring on it. I stopped taking birth control and we gave conception a go. Unfortunately my body was not working, so after trying for a year I went to the lovely people at Reproductive Associates of Delaware, and our fertility journey began. After a multitude of tests, I was diagnosed with PCOS. We began a round of cycles. I would take Clomid for 5 days, then I would get examined via ultrasound and blood testing to see if I was ready to ovulate. The next step was an injection in my stomach to make the egg drop. We were very lucky, while our first two cycles did not work, the third (and our first using IUI) was successful. In late April we got the news that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. I tried to do everything right, I was eating well, drinking a ton of water, cutting out caffeine and exercising. After my 11 week check with the fertility doctor I "graduated" to my OB/GYN. We started my monthly check ups and set up my appointments at maternal fetal medicine for downs syndrome screening. Everything was going well, and I will always remember my summer of pregnancy as a wonderful experience. I have a large family (I am the youngest of 28 cousins on my Mom's side) and everyone seemed very excited for us. We announced our pregnancy to everyone on Father's Day with a clever picture on Facebook of me eating a pickle and ice cream and Colin reading "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." I don't know that I have ever been as happy as I was this summer. On August 16th I went for my second screening at Maternal Fetal Medicine of Delaware. We found out we were having a boy, and I already had his name picked out. Sawyer. I pictured a chubby red haired baby who would grow into a member of the FFA and a total book worm like his mom. Towards the end of my appointment the ultrasound technician was checking my cervix and said it looked like it wasn't closing all the way. I waited for what seemed like forever, and the doctor came in. He said everything looked fine and that I was probably just contracting from all the pushing and prodding of the ultrasound. I wish I had pushed for him to examine me again, but hindsight is 20/20. The next Friday I went to see my OB, she checked his heartbeat, everything sounded great and I was on my way. That was the last happy appointment I would have.
On Tuesday, August 27th, I was talking to my AP World class when I felt liquid in my pants. I went to the bathroom after class and noticed that it was clear, but did not have smell. I felt it one more time that day, but it was not a gush (the word all the doctors use to scare us) so I thought, "If it happens again tomorrow I will call the doctor. Another part of heartbreak is wondering if I had gone that day, if they could have somehow stopped what was happening. The same thing happened on Wednesday, so I called the doctor and made an appointment for Thursday after work. When I arrived at the appointment the doctor checked Sawyer's heartbeat, and it sounded great. 145. Then she checked my cervix and my world fell apart. She instructed me to put my clothes back on and then lay back down. She told me I needed to go to the hospital (45 minutes away because our local hospital does not have any services for labor and delivery.) She explained that I had an incompetent cervix and that I needed to keep pressure off of my cervix. She also explained that if my membranes ruptured, that Sawyer was too small to be viable. I called my husband and he came and got me. We drove to the hospital, Colin worrying and me sobbing. I felt numb by the time I arrived at the hospital. They checked me in, and I was examined by the on call hospitalist and the high risk OB. They explained the situation to me again, that I would need to be on strict bed rest, that it would be at least 3 weeks until Sawyer was viable and that so far, it looked as if my membranes had not ruptured.
I was put in a room and in a position where my head was lower than my feet. The idea was to let gravity pull my amniotic sac back out of my cervix. They did not put me on antibiotics because there was no evidence of infection and it could single out the bad bacteria if they didn't put me on the right one. I settled in, it was awful, bed pans are not easy to use, and on days when Colin had to work I felt very alone. None of the discomfort mattered, I could stick it out to keep Sawyer alive. Hearing his heartbeat every 8 hours kept me sane. He was still going strong and he was as active as ever. On Monday (labor day) Colin got to feel him kick. It was the first time he had actually felt him, I finally got to share it with him. On Wednesday the doctor told me that the plan was to keep to the course we were on. I was frustrated, I wanted to see the high risk OB again and I wanted them to check to see if my membranes were making any changes. I called Colin crying and he decided he would take a half day from work to come be with me. I am so glad that we had made that decision. They let me get up to be weighed and use the bathroom, and about thirty minutes later I began to get pains in my left side. I thought that me getting up had caused them, and they confirmed that they were contractions. It was too early, I was 21 weeks and 6 days, they would do nothing to stop the contractions this early.
My sisters came, and Colin. They helped me through the worst of the contractions until I got my epidural. I felt numb and panicked at the same time. It was inevitable that he would be born too soon, but maybe, just maybe he would be that story. He would be that baby who would beat all of the odds. Around 9 PM the doctor checked me and said it would probably be another hour. They had just checked my temperature, and it was 96.9. The doctor commented that one side of my body felt very warm while the other felt very cold. Around 9:30 my entire body started to convulse. I was having chills that were uncontrollable. At 10, the doctor came back in. They took my temperature again, it was 101.4. She ordered cultures and they tried to get blood but my veins were not cooperating. At that point she said it was too late and that they needed to deliver Sawyer. I don't know where I found the strength to do it. I wanted to scream at them, and tell them they couldn't take him yet. I was so angry. It took about 30 minutes and I felt him leave me. The nurse cleaned him off and brought him to me wrapped in a blanket. He still felt warm, and I could feel the faintest beat of his heart. It took me a while to remember it, maybe I made it up, but I would like to think that he faded from the world while in his mother's arms. Colin and I were both a wreck, but they told me I needed to deliver the placenta. When they were unable to get it out, the doctor told me they would have to take me to the OR. I had to sign a paper, and they took me in. I was still shaking violently. They put me under for the D and C.
What I didn't know until after was that I almost died as well. The infection was bad, and no amount of drugs to stop labor would have kept Sawyer alive. My body failed to protect him. My fever spiked at 104 in the OR. When they brought me out they had to put a cooling blanket on me to bring it down below 101. I would be in the hospital another 4 days being pumped full of antibiotics to get my temperature under control. When they brought me back to my room my siblings were all there. They left, and Colin and I held Sawyer and talked to him. We let him know how much we loved him and wanted him. We told him we would never forget him. We touched his perfect little face and his tiny hands. I told him I was sorry. I know that I did not do anything to cause this, but it was my body that failed and I am still angry with my body for letting him down. We kissed him and said our goodbyes. We had a wonderful nurse that night, who took him to take pictures of him and told us that if we changed our minds and wanted him back in the room, she would get him at any time. I didn't think I could say goodbye again, so we chose to let him go. I haven't looked at the pictures yet, I am thinking I might look this weekend. Sawyer was in our lives for 5 1/2 months, and in this world for only a few moments, but he has completely changed our lives. I decided to start this blog to help remember Sawyer.
Sawyer's Story- Colin and I have talked about having kids together since we first started dating. I liked to joke with him, when he would say he wanted kids, that if he liked it he better put a ring on it. Well, it took him long enough, but he did finally put a ring on it. I stopped taking birth control and we gave conception a go. Unfortunately my body was not working, so after trying for a year I went to the lovely people at Reproductive Associates of Delaware, and our fertility journey began. After a multitude of tests, I was diagnosed with PCOS. We began a round of cycles. I would take Clomid for 5 days, then I would get examined via ultrasound and blood testing to see if I was ready to ovulate. The next step was an injection in my stomach to make the egg drop. We were very lucky, while our first two cycles did not work, the third (and our first using IUI) was successful. In late April we got the news that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. I tried to do everything right, I was eating well, drinking a ton of water, cutting out caffeine and exercising. After my 11 week check with the fertility doctor I "graduated" to my OB/GYN. We started my monthly check ups and set up my appointments at maternal fetal medicine for downs syndrome screening. Everything was going well, and I will always remember my summer of pregnancy as a wonderful experience. I have a large family (I am the youngest of 28 cousins on my Mom's side) and everyone seemed very excited for us. We announced our pregnancy to everyone on Father's Day with a clever picture on Facebook of me eating a pickle and ice cream and Colin reading "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." I don't know that I have ever been as happy as I was this summer. On August 16th I went for my second screening at Maternal Fetal Medicine of Delaware. We found out we were having a boy, and I already had his name picked out. Sawyer. I pictured a chubby red haired baby who would grow into a member of the FFA and a total book worm like his mom. Towards the end of my appointment the ultrasound technician was checking my cervix and said it looked like it wasn't closing all the way. I waited for what seemed like forever, and the doctor came in. He said everything looked fine and that I was probably just contracting from all the pushing and prodding of the ultrasound. I wish I had pushed for him to examine me again, but hindsight is 20/20. The next Friday I went to see my OB, she checked his heartbeat, everything sounded great and I was on my way. That was the last happy appointment I would have.
On Tuesday, August 27th, I was talking to my AP World class when I felt liquid in my pants. I went to the bathroom after class and noticed that it was clear, but did not have smell. I felt it one more time that day, but it was not a gush (the word all the doctors use to scare us) so I thought, "If it happens again tomorrow I will call the doctor. Another part of heartbreak is wondering if I had gone that day, if they could have somehow stopped what was happening. The same thing happened on Wednesday, so I called the doctor and made an appointment for Thursday after work. When I arrived at the appointment the doctor checked Sawyer's heartbeat, and it sounded great. 145. Then she checked my cervix and my world fell apart. She instructed me to put my clothes back on and then lay back down. She told me I needed to go to the hospital (45 minutes away because our local hospital does not have any services for labor and delivery.) She explained that I had an incompetent cervix and that I needed to keep pressure off of my cervix. She also explained that if my membranes ruptured, that Sawyer was too small to be viable. I called my husband and he came and got me. We drove to the hospital, Colin worrying and me sobbing. I felt numb by the time I arrived at the hospital. They checked me in, and I was examined by the on call hospitalist and the high risk OB. They explained the situation to me again, that I would need to be on strict bed rest, that it would be at least 3 weeks until Sawyer was viable and that so far, it looked as if my membranes had not ruptured.
I was put in a room and in a position where my head was lower than my feet. The idea was to let gravity pull my amniotic sac back out of my cervix. They did not put me on antibiotics because there was no evidence of infection and it could single out the bad bacteria if they didn't put me on the right one. I settled in, it was awful, bed pans are not easy to use, and on days when Colin had to work I felt very alone. None of the discomfort mattered, I could stick it out to keep Sawyer alive. Hearing his heartbeat every 8 hours kept me sane. He was still going strong and he was as active as ever. On Monday (labor day) Colin got to feel him kick. It was the first time he had actually felt him, I finally got to share it with him. On Wednesday the doctor told me that the plan was to keep to the course we were on. I was frustrated, I wanted to see the high risk OB again and I wanted them to check to see if my membranes were making any changes. I called Colin crying and he decided he would take a half day from work to come be with me. I am so glad that we had made that decision. They let me get up to be weighed and use the bathroom, and about thirty minutes later I began to get pains in my left side. I thought that me getting up had caused them, and they confirmed that they were contractions. It was too early, I was 21 weeks and 6 days, they would do nothing to stop the contractions this early.
My sisters came, and Colin. They helped me through the worst of the contractions until I got my epidural. I felt numb and panicked at the same time. It was inevitable that he would be born too soon, but maybe, just maybe he would be that story. He would be that baby who would beat all of the odds. Around 9 PM the doctor checked me and said it would probably be another hour. They had just checked my temperature, and it was 96.9. The doctor commented that one side of my body felt very warm while the other felt very cold. Around 9:30 my entire body started to convulse. I was having chills that were uncontrollable. At 10, the doctor came back in. They took my temperature again, it was 101.4. She ordered cultures and they tried to get blood but my veins were not cooperating. At that point she said it was too late and that they needed to deliver Sawyer. I don't know where I found the strength to do it. I wanted to scream at them, and tell them they couldn't take him yet. I was so angry. It took about 30 minutes and I felt him leave me. The nurse cleaned him off and brought him to me wrapped in a blanket. He still felt warm, and I could feel the faintest beat of his heart. It took me a while to remember it, maybe I made it up, but I would like to think that he faded from the world while in his mother's arms. Colin and I were both a wreck, but they told me I needed to deliver the placenta. When they were unable to get it out, the doctor told me they would have to take me to the OR. I had to sign a paper, and they took me in. I was still shaking violently. They put me under for the D and C.
What I didn't know until after was that I almost died as well. The infection was bad, and no amount of drugs to stop labor would have kept Sawyer alive. My body failed to protect him. My fever spiked at 104 in the OR. When they brought me out they had to put a cooling blanket on me to bring it down below 101. I would be in the hospital another 4 days being pumped full of antibiotics to get my temperature under control. When they brought me back to my room my siblings were all there. They left, and Colin and I held Sawyer and talked to him. We let him know how much we loved him and wanted him. We told him we would never forget him. We touched his perfect little face and his tiny hands. I told him I was sorry. I know that I did not do anything to cause this, but it was my body that failed and I am still angry with my body for letting him down. We kissed him and said our goodbyes. We had a wonderful nurse that night, who took him to take pictures of him and told us that if we changed our minds and wanted him back in the room, she would get him at any time. I didn't think I could say goodbye again, so we chose to let him go. I haven't looked at the pictures yet, I am thinking I might look this weekend. Sawyer was in our lives for 5 1/2 months, and in this world for only a few moments, but he has completely changed our lives. I decided to start this blog to help remember Sawyer.
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