2013-2014

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I was so excited that I would be celebrating my birthday and the birth of our son around the same time. I was thrilled that Sawyer and I would have close birthdays. I am crushed that this is not the case. All of these people are posting on Facebook about what a good year 2013 was for them and how they are excited for 2014. I thought 2014 was going to be the best year of my life. Now I just can't believe that this is my life. 2013 started as a fantastic year. When we found out in April that the IUI had worked I was over the moon. I was cautious, we waited until we hit 10 weeks before telling people, but it was a nice secret to keep. I spent the summer having a great pregnancy, hanging with family, and looking forward to this next phase of our lives. September made this the worst year of my life. Sawyer's death has rocked me to my core. I am not the same person I was on September 3rd.

Christmas was hard. I couldn't help but think that I should still be pregnant. It made it that much harder to see my nieces and nephews playing together. Sawyer will never truly be a part of this. Both Colin and I have been having trouble with the holidays, not just because they are a reminder of what we lost, but because Sawyer's due date was so close to these holidays. We had originally planned to go to Colin's parent's house on Christmas after spending Christmas Eve with my family. The original plan changed, and Colin and I decided we just couldn't go. His parents were understanding, but one of his relatives sent him a message trying to guilt him into coming. They had the nerve to say that we weren't the only ones having a hard year, basically implying that we were being selfish for not coming to Christmas. It took everything I had not to send a message back. We are grieving for our son, we have every right to be selfish as we navigate these new waters. The message completely changed Colin's demeanor on Christmas Eve, and ruined what had started as an okay night for us.

Yesterday I started my new tests at the fertility doctor. I still need to lose weight, I have not been doing very well with sticking to my clean eating over the break. I will keep working at it. I can only hope that in the next month I can get down to the weight I need to be in order for them to start IUI. I am hoping that we can have another baby before 2014 is over, and maybe salvage what is starting out as the worst of years. I know that if we do get pregnant again it won't be an easy road--I will need to get a cerclage, there is possible bed rest in the future, and I will have to deal with the anxiety of knowing that just getting past the first trimester does not mean you will take a living baby home--but I want this badly.  So, as much as I would like a time machine--I wish I could go back and tell myself to demand the doctor at maternal fetal medicine take a closer look, and then demand a cerclage---I have to look forward. I am hopeful that this new year will be better than the last four months have been.

The workaholic returns

It has been a while since I posted, mostly because I am back to being completely overwhelmed by work. Grading and lesson planning take up most of my free time. Sometimes it is a good thing, it helps me not to think too much about what this time of year was supposed to mean for us this year. All of these people are talking about what they are grateful for, and how "blessed" they are. I really just want to write "fuck you" on all of their Facebook posts. Bah-fucking-hum-bug!! I am not decorating for Xmas, it all seems particularly irritating this year. I was supposed to be waiting for Sawyer's arrival, not pretending I am excited about watching someone else open a present. I am going to go through the motions, presents for the nieces and nephews (because my miserableness is not their fault and I like buying them books every year,) and dinner with the siblings- because they have been there for me, but I honestly just want this season to be over. I want to wake up and have it be February or March. I want to be past Sawyer's due date. Another reason I would like to speed time up is that the fertility doctor told me he wants to wait until February or March to start treatments again. It took all I had not to cry in his office. So I am trying not to let it get me down too much, but that coupled with the fact that I should be impossibly pregnant right now instead of mourning my son, have me in a particular state of Scrooge-ness. I hate this, and I can't escape it.

So my goals until February or March:
1. Lose more weight, I am down about ten pounds, but I certainly need to lose more.
2. Try on our own to get pregnant, practice makes perfect right?
3. Find meditation or something else non-medicinal that will help me with my anxiety.
4. Stop beating myself up for being sad, I am allowed to still be sad, if other people don't like it, fuck'em.
5. Spend time with the friends who have made time for me in my new state of being. I love my monthly dates with Holly, and I hope we keep them up for the rest of our adult lives.
6. Make Sawyer's place in our home more permanent by framing his picture and finishing his memory box. I want people who come to our home to know we have a son. He may not be alive, but he is our son- he deserves to be recognized as such.

So come on February and March! I truly do hope that other people enjoy the holidays, but remember, not everyone is jolly right now, and sometimes your jolliness is just a reminder of what they are missing.