I made a mistake today. I had blocked any of my pregnant friends/family members from my Facebook feed almost immediately after Sawyer died. My curiosity got the better of me today and I looked at a friend's page. She only has a month to go, and my heart feels like it is ripping out of my chest again. I am happy for her, but I felt that surge of bitterness and anger rise up like bile again. Why did this happen to us? Why do other people get to have blissfully ignorant and innocent pregnancies? Why is my son in a box on a shelf when people like my 14 year old student get to bring a baby into this world that they are ill-equiped to take care of? As the song in our musical this year says "Life is random and unfair, life is pandemonium!"
Some days I feel like I have found my footing. I am a baby loss mom, and that is my new reality and the new me. I spend my days with other people's children, and I make the best of what I have. I like to think that I am imparting on them what I would have imparted on Sawyer. Be kind to people, accept them for who they are, and remember that life is short, enjoy the moments you have. I have a loving husband, and fantastic siblings and cousins who support me. I have some truly amazing friends, and some who have decided that they can't handle this new sad me. I feel strong most days, but other times I feel like I am just stumbling around in the dark. Whenever a coworker discusses their children I have to pretend it is not a knife in my heart. I cannot help but stare at the bellies of pregnant women I see, but I also can't help but divert my eyes from baby carriers and infants.
I still have to lose some weight before returning to the fertility doctor, my goals have been washed away by my stress eating. The amount of stress I am feeling right now is so overwhelming that is feels easier to just pretend the outside world doesn't exist on a day like today. Hiding in my house with a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies is much better. I find it harder to have the will power I did before I got pregnant with Sawyer. I want so bad to get pregnant again, but sometimes chocolate is truly the only thing that makes me feel better. I wish I was the type of person who used exercise to feel better, but in reality I have always viewed it as a punishment (I am going to blame my 6th grade gym teacher and the Presidential fitness test for that.) I am going back to the gym this Monday. I am hoping that Dr. K will agree that if I shed the necessary pounds (about 9) by the time my cycle starts in March that we can give a Clomid cycle and IUI a try.
I have tried to take my mind off of the fertility game again by focusing on remodeling our house. We can't really afford a loan, so we are doing it piece by piece, but every little thing we change makes me feel better somehow. I think maybe it is that I have a finished product to look forward to that I am not anxious about losing. No matter how long it takes, there will be a new product when we are finished. The prospect of getting pregnant again feels much more daunting. If it happens, will we tell people? Will the cerclage work? What type of cerclage will I get? Will I be able to keep my anxiety in check? I guess I should stop thinking too far ahead and just focus on losing the weight and getting back to trying. Fingers crossed that March is our month to start trying again.
**I am also going to make an effort to write here more often, sometimes I forget how cathartic writing what I am feeling can be.
