Making Plans

I went to my second grief counseling session this morning. It helped to sort through some things that have been bothering me, but also some things that have been really helping me. I had a rough weekend. One of my best friends announced her pregnancy on Facebook. As happy as I am for her, it was like salt in an open wound. If Sawyer had been carried to term, our kids would have been very close in age. If Sawyer has survived, we could have shared in the joys of our first children together. I tried to pick myself up. I went to book club Friday night, and I talked about what happened, surprisingly I was able to do so without crying. Book club was nice, but I still feel very awkward around people, and I can tell that many of them feel awkward around me. Rhonda keeps reminding me to stop worrying so much about how other people feel and focus on me. It is hard to remember some times. Saturday we went to a surprise party for my cousin's wife. When we walked in her sister was there with her 11 week old son and I felt my heart break all over again. Why did this happen to me? Why didn't my body do it's job and protect Sawyer? So I drank, but in reality it didn't numb the pain. I cried the entire way home from Rock Hall, sobbing. I told Colin that as selfish as it sounds, sometimes I wish I hadn't survived. If I hadn't I wouldn't have to feel like this. I would never hurt myself, and I know that it would have hurt my family, but there is a a little part of me that is selfish enough to wish I didn't have to feel at all. Sunday we watched football. My other cousin's wife (there are so many cousins it would be pointless to try and be more specific) is trying to get pregnant. I referred her to my fertility doctor. I was a little taken aback when she said she is going to demand a cerclage. As far as I know, she doesn't have a history of a incompetent cervix. It is almost like she is taking what happened to me and making it about her. I wish her the best of luck, but that just struck me as being a strange thing to say. I also talked about how wonderful my sisters, my brother and my friend Holly have been through this entire ordeal. I don't know what I would do without them. Sawyer is loved by them, and that helps me to know that he will not be forgotten. 

I am heading to school next Wednesday afternoon to see the teacher who has been covering for me and work out some transition stuff. My boss told me that we will take it slow when I get back. She also told me that there is a pregnant student in my class, but because of her IEP and ESL needs my principal has been unable to move her. She said if it is too much for me we will figure out how to make other arrangements. I appreciate the effort she is making to make this easier for me. I am not always good at asking people to help me, but I am working on it. I know that asking for what I need right now is not selfish (mostly because Rhonda keeps telling me that.) I will get through this, I know I can, it just sucks so much that I have to. This was not the plan I had, and now making plans seems pointless sometimes. 

Looking forward to this weekend in Williamsburg, maybe it will help me clear my head a little.