Like waves in the ocean

I read a quote on Pinterest (of all places) that discussed how grief is like the waves of the ocean, ebbing and flowing, receding and returning. That is certainly true. My first meeting with the grief counselor went well. She really helped me feel validated in my grief. It sometimes feels like people are expecting me to be done being sad now (no one in particular, and no one has said this, it is just a feeling I get.) I have more good days with bad moments right now, then bad days with good moments. I have enjoyed getting out on weekends with Colin and spending time with just the two of us. The counselor said this was a good idea, just the two of us spending quality time together. Even though we are grieving in different ways, it is important for us to be together enjoying our life together. She also validated my guilt at being able to do things like drink a beer, or get highlights in my hair. I spent most of the hour crying as I talked about my guilt and anxiety. It was nice to talk to someone who didn't mind the tears, and who consistently validated everything I was feeling. She thought I was doing really well considering everything I have been through. That felt good to hear too.
She did tell me that my intelligence is probably increasing my anxiety about trying again. I have been reading other women's stories of their losses, and realizing that I could have more to battle than incompetent cervix next time. She told me I have to find some way to relax myself, whether it be meditation or soothing music. I have to find a way to not stress my body if we are going to try again. She also told me to think about a statement I could make to people at work if they say something I do not find helpful (like "Sawyer is an angel now.") I also liked that even though she is a religious or spiritual person, she dealt with my atheist frustrations with religious explanations for what happened.
I still get really anxious about being with big groups of people that I know, but I feel like that is getting a little bit easier. I am going to try going back to book club this Friday, and maybe volleyball next week. Everyone in book club knows what happened, no one at volleyball (except for one person) knows. I think when they ask where I have been I am just going to respond, "It is a long and not happy story, I would rather not get into it." I don't want to feel like I am denying Sawyer, but I also don't want to sob when I am trying to get back into the sport I love.
As for trying again, I am going to ask the doc his medical opinion next week for how long I should wait, physically. After that I am going for it. If anything Sawyer has shown me that life is short, sometimes blink of an eye short, and I want living children. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. I will never replace Sawyer, he will always be my first child, and I will always have an immense amount of love for him. I think I am looking forward to sharing that love with other children in our future.