Drifting

What I should be doing right now--grading the mountain of papers in my bag, or planning for tomorrow's lessons, or doing laundry for our trip to Ocean City this week. I don't feel like doing any of these things. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about Ocean City (not so much the grading and planning,) but I am having trouble staying focused. I feel like my grief and anxiety are waves in the ocean, and they wash ashore, sweeping away the clarity in my mind. Things that help are 1) watching something on TV that requires little thought, 2) talking to my husband about his job, because I don't understand any of it, and 3) eating dark chocolate with sea salt in it (calms me right down.) Another thing that has helped me lately is thinking about the the ways I have changed since Sawyer passed. So here is my "things that are different" list:

1. I rarely laugh for real anymore. I don't know why, but even things that were once hilarious, only seem mildly funny now. Perhaps my sense of humor will return at some point, but what is left is down right dark.

2. I have no room for other peoples grief. Perhaps this too will change, but for right now, mine is too big for me to make space for anyone else's grief.

3. I have zero tolerance for bratty teenagers. Put your life in perspective, losing a fucking sporting event or having your phone taken away is NOT the worst thing that could happen. It really is enough to make me scream.

4. I am becoming a militant atheist. I used to be an apathetic atheist. Fine, believe what you want to believe. But why should religious people get to be the only pushy ones? If they can tell me that I should believe in some magical sky parent, why can't I tell them he doesn't exist. That their lives really aren't that significant, and that there is no paradise waiting for them. P.S. Why do you need a book and a magical sky parent to tell you to be a good person or you will burn in hell? Why not be a good person because it is the right thing to do? Douche bags. People have asked before how I can look at the world an not believe in a god. The first time I truly questioned the idea of a loving creator was when my grandmother (who was the most important person to me) was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. A woman who had devoted her life to God and her family was doomed to forget the very people she loved most. When she forgot my name, I forgot why I ever believed in a god in the first place. Now, I am even more certain that life is random, and bad shit happens to good people, and there is no rhyme or reason, or master plan. Sawyer did not die for a reason, he died because I had an infection, my body worked against us both, and life is really fucking shitty sometimes.

5. My fandom obsessions are growing. I used to keep my love of all nerdy things hidden from most people, except for Colin since he has to live with me and see all of the nerdiness. The reality is I love Dr. Who, and The Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter, and Supernatural, and The Vampire Diaries, and its spin-off The Originals. I love them all.

6. My brain can really only handle young adult novels right now. I think because they won't typically have my type of loss in them. Other than those, any books that support my idea that religious people are crazy sheep also appeal to me.

7. I have never been a big fan of hugging, but now I like it even less. Get away from me, especially if it is an "I'm so sorry" hug.

8. I don't need my mother. This has been building for some time, but has become more obvious to me since Sawyer died. She is no longer the woman who raised me, she is a petty woman with a drug addiction and mental illness. She refuses to get professional help, instead relying on a religious leader to  counsel her. I thought that in my time of excruciating pain I would miss her, but I don't. I am determined to tend to my own garden, and she can tend to hers.

Just some random info about the new me. Settling into this new skin is painful and I am not sure I like the new me, but for right now I will make my way through it. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving in Ocean City. I am still dreading Christmas and my birthday. I wish Colin and I could afford a trip to someplace during that time where no one knows us. Nothing about the holidays seems joyful this season.

The Ups and Downs

I am becoming an Oscar worthy actress. I can fake my way through my day, my life, seemingly without effort. Acting is hard work though, and I end my days exhausted from the performance. Lately I have been having some flashbacks from labor and delivery. Flashes of holding Sawyer for the first time, when he was still warm and his heart was still beating. Flashes of being wheeled to the OR, shaking uncontrollably, knowing Sawyer would not be warm when I returned. They hit me when I least expect it, rendering me quiet and often trying to fight back tears. While they are painful, I treasure the memories of my son, I have so few. 

Another friend announced her pregnancy online today. I knew she was pregnant before I lost Sawyer, but it was still a sharp pain in my heart to see it. I want to be happy for people, but I am just bitter. I want to yell "Fuck you and your happiness" to these people. Why do they get this happiness? Why are they so sure that a positive pregnancy test, or a sonogram means they are going to bring home a baby? I was sure, and now I will never be sure of anything again. 

I am making an effort to be happy again. I just can't seem to find my footing in this new world. This world where I am always reminded of what I have lost. Our neighbor had her baby. She is a former student of mine, and she had a healthy baby, and I am so angry. I really only like to watch TV that I have recorded so that I can fast forward through the plethora of commercials for baby items or that just feature babies (that stupid insurance commercial.) I have begun to hide anyone from my Facebook feed who has a baby, I just can't look at the pictures and happiness. I am hoping that someday all of this will be easier. I am hoping that the fertility doctors will help us conceive a little brother or sister for Sawyer, and that my experience with childbirth will not always be one of sadness and grief. I will not take it for granted that a positive test equals a living baby ever again though. 

I am dreading the holidays and my birthday. Sawyer was supposed to be my birthday present this year. I was supposed to spend Christmas celebrating my impending motherhood. I hate this new life, but I will continue to be an actress, and I will let my exhaustion consume me at the end of the day.

Back to Reality

   The first week back to work was a mix of emotions. I spent the first day doing my best to hide from the adults in my building. My AP kids seemed happy to have me back, but a little overwhelmed at the amount of work we needed to do to get caught up. The second day I was back in the front of my classroom, and it felt good to be in control of something again. Teaching is a comfort (the bullshit that comes along with it is not) in the sense that it is something I know, something I can do without constantly second guessing myself. My kids have not asked me about anything, all they have said is they are glad to have me back. I decided to play in the class olympics volleyball game, and quick and dirty way to let everyone know I was back. Also, volleyball is a refuge for me. No time to think about anything but playing.
   I feel like I still need to avoid most of the adults in the building. They are not unkind, but if I am going to be at my best in front of the kids I need to save my strength for that. I cried on my way home every day this week. A thirty minute ride to think about what I have lost, and how much life truly sucks right now. I try to get it out before I get home, but sometimes, even if the tears don't make it home, the mood does. I can't fathom how people do this, how do other baby loss moms go back to the real world and carry on as if nothing happened? Every time someone asks how I am and I respond okay or fine, I am lying. I am not okay or fine. I hate life right now, but I need to keep faking like I don't because eventually it might be true. Halloween was hard, I had plans to wear a funny maternity shirt. The thought hit me that I would have been hitting the 30 week mark on Halloween. I would have been ten weeks away from full term. Sawyer would have had more than a fighting chance at surviving if he had been born at 30 weeks.
   Monday is November 4th. Two months since Sawyer was born, two months since he died. Two months since I felt him kick or heard his heartbeat on the ultrasound. Two months since I almost died. So much has changed for me, but not for other people. People announce their pregnancies, and make comments about what its like to have children. I don't count. Sawyer didn't live long enough. I wonder what long enough would have been for other people to consider me a mother? Would he have had to have lived a whole day? Or would he have had to come home with us?
   Everything reminds me of what we lost. Commercials. Being around people who have babies, being around people who are pregnant. Driving past the yard sales and seeing baby items for sale. Talking about redecorating our house and knowing that it won't include painting his room. If I had made it to 30  weeks, I would have been pushing Colin to get his room painted. Instead Sawyer is in a box on the vanity in a room full of stuff. I don't know what to do with all the plans I had made for him. So I will continue to do the only thing I can, fake it.