This has not been the greatest May. Mother's Day was especially hurtful, and I did my best to keep off of social media, and to stay away from people. I did not want to see or be around other people's happiness, and at the same time, I did not want my sadness to cloud their day. On top of it all, fertility treatments have not been going well. It appears that Clomid, which worked so well when we got pregnant with Sawyer, is no longer working with my body. Part of it is my lack of success in losing weight. Part of it is that women with PCOS sometimes become Clomid resistant.
This sucks. I was hoping to be pregnant again by now, but it appears that it will be an even longer road to having another baby. People at work keep asking me about my friend's baby. While I am happy for her on her third happy, healthy child, I don't really care to talk about it. It is still a raw wound, and hearing people rave about how cute her baby is, or ask me have I met him, feels like all of the salt of the Pacific Ocean is being dumped into that wound. If I keep "unfollowing" people on Facebook, there will only be three people left for me to see.
Lately the thought that keeps running through my head is that I don't really feel purposeful anymore. Nor do I feel any real joy. Well, enough depression for today. Back to work, and back to fertility treatments, and back to wondering if I will ever really feel good again.
