One Month

Today has been one month. What a bizarre thought, my son has been dead for a month, but he wasn't even supposed to have arrived yet. I feel like I am coping better with the reality of everything that has happened. I have been getting out, walking, making plans, etc. It doesn't take much to make that shell of "coping" crumble though. Driving in my car gives me too much time to think, and my thoughts can't help but go to Sawyer. Little things can set off a chain reaction until I am sobbing again. It doesn't last as long anymore, but the tears are still there, always ready to spring. A sympathy card always brings the tears.
I made an appointment with a grief counselor for Monday. I am hoping she can help me with the anxiety I feel about going back to work in a few weeks. I am worried that a co-worker or a student may say something and I will not be able to stop the tears, or the anger. I also want to talk about my anxiety for trying again with my OB at my next appointment. My first feeling was we would not try again until the summer or spring, but now I am not sure I want to wait that long. Losing Sawyer has not decreased my desire to have another child, if anything it has increased it. Colin and I talked about it yesterday, and he has the same sentiment. Having Sawyer, even if we only had a few minutes with him, has made Colin more certain that he wants more children as well. If the OB says it is okay, we might start trying this winter. Obviously I may change my mind. I do know that when we try again, if we are successful, we will not be announcing it via Facebook or anything else. Looking back at the congrats messages, and the picture of our announcement are heartbreaking. We looked so happy, and I am grateful for the happiness Sawyer brought us during my pregnancy and his few minutes in the world. It is just hard to remember how happy we were and then feel the crushing sadness I feel now.

I read a quote from Tinkerbell and it struck me "You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." I feel like I could replace Peter's name with Sawyer, because I am always waiting for him in between sleep and waking up.