Back to Reality

   The first week back to work was a mix of emotions. I spent the first day doing my best to hide from the adults in my building. My AP kids seemed happy to have me back, but a little overwhelmed at the amount of work we needed to do to get caught up. The second day I was back in the front of my classroom, and it felt good to be in control of something again. Teaching is a comfort (the bullshit that comes along with it is not) in the sense that it is something I know, something I can do without constantly second guessing myself. My kids have not asked me about anything, all they have said is they are glad to have me back. I decided to play in the class olympics volleyball game, and quick and dirty way to let everyone know I was back. Also, volleyball is a refuge for me. No time to think about anything but playing.
   I feel like I still need to avoid most of the adults in the building. They are not unkind, but if I am going to be at my best in front of the kids I need to save my strength for that. I cried on my way home every day this week. A thirty minute ride to think about what I have lost, and how much life truly sucks right now. I try to get it out before I get home, but sometimes, even if the tears don't make it home, the mood does. I can't fathom how people do this, how do other baby loss moms go back to the real world and carry on as if nothing happened? Every time someone asks how I am and I respond okay or fine, I am lying. I am not okay or fine. I hate life right now, but I need to keep faking like I don't because eventually it might be true. Halloween was hard, I had plans to wear a funny maternity shirt. The thought hit me that I would have been hitting the 30 week mark on Halloween. I would have been ten weeks away from full term. Sawyer would have had more than a fighting chance at surviving if he had been born at 30 weeks.
   Monday is November 4th. Two months since Sawyer was born, two months since he died. Two months since I felt him kick or heard his heartbeat on the ultrasound. Two months since I almost died. So much has changed for me, but not for other people. People announce their pregnancies, and make comments about what its like to have children. I don't count. Sawyer didn't live long enough. I wonder what long enough would have been for other people to consider me a mother? Would he have had to have lived a whole day? Or would he have had to come home with us?
   Everything reminds me of what we lost. Commercials. Being around people who have babies, being around people who are pregnant. Driving past the yard sales and seeing baby items for sale. Talking about redecorating our house and knowing that it won't include painting his room. If I had made it to 30  weeks, I would have been pushing Colin to get his room painted. Instead Sawyer is in a box on the vanity in a room full of stuff. I don't know what to do with all the plans I had made for him. So I will continue to do the only thing I can, fake it.