Shattered Dreams

I had planned on starting a blog once Sawyer was born to share pictures of him and stories of his first word, steps, etc. While I cannot share those first milestones, I can share Sawyer's story and in the process let out some of the grief that I have.

Sawyer's Story- Colin and I have talked about having kids together since we first started dating. I liked to joke with him, when he would say he wanted kids, that if he liked it he better put a ring on it. Well, it took him long enough, but he did finally put a ring on it. I stopped taking birth control and we gave conception a go. Unfortunately my body was not working, so after trying for a year I went to the lovely people at Reproductive Associates of Delaware, and our fertility journey began. After a multitude of tests, I was diagnosed with PCOS. We began a round of cycles. I would take Clomid for 5 days, then I would get examined via ultrasound and blood testing to see if I was ready to ovulate. The next step was an injection in my stomach to make the egg drop. We were very lucky, while our first two cycles did not work, the third (and our first using IUI) was successful. In late April we got the news that I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. I tried to do everything right, I was eating well, drinking a ton of water, cutting out caffeine and exercising. After my 11 week check with the fertility doctor I "graduated" to my OB/GYN. We started my monthly check ups and set up my appointments at maternal fetal medicine for downs syndrome screening. Everything was going well, and I will always remember my summer of pregnancy as a wonderful experience. I have a large family (I am the youngest of 28 cousins on my Mom's side) and everyone seemed very excited for us. We announced our pregnancy to everyone on Father's Day with a clever picture on Facebook of me eating a pickle and ice cream and Colin reading "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." I don't know that I have ever been as happy as I was this summer. On August 16th I went for my second screening at Maternal Fetal Medicine of Delaware. We found out we were having a boy, and I already had his name picked out. Sawyer. I pictured a chubby red haired baby who would grow into a member of the FFA and a total book worm like his mom. Towards the end of my appointment the ultrasound technician was checking my cervix and said it looked like it wasn't closing all the way. I waited for what seemed like forever, and the doctor came in. He said everything looked fine and that I was probably just contracting from all the pushing and prodding of the ultrasound. I wish I had pushed for him to examine me again, but hindsight is 20/20. The next Friday I went to see my OB, she checked his heartbeat, everything sounded great and I was on my way. That was the last happy appointment I would have.

On Tuesday, August 27th, I was talking to my AP World class when I felt liquid in my pants. I went to the bathroom after class and noticed that it was clear, but did not have smell. I felt it one more time that day, but it was not a gush (the word all the doctors use to scare us) so I thought, "If it happens again tomorrow I will call the doctor. Another part of heartbreak is wondering if I had gone that day, if they could have somehow stopped what was happening. The same thing happened on Wednesday, so I called the doctor and made an appointment for Thursday after work. When I arrived at the appointment the doctor checked Sawyer's heartbeat, and it sounded great. 145. Then she checked my cervix and my world fell apart. She instructed me to put my clothes back on and then lay back down. She told me I needed to go to the hospital (45 minutes away because our local hospital does not have any services for labor and delivery.) She explained that I had an incompetent cervix and that I needed to keep pressure off of my cervix. She also explained that if my membranes ruptured, that Sawyer was too small to be viable. I called my husband and he came and got me. We drove to the hospital, Colin worrying and me sobbing. I felt numb by the time I arrived at the hospital. They checked me in, and I was examined by the on call hospitalist and the high risk OB. They explained the situation to me again, that I would need to be on strict bed rest, that it would be at least 3 weeks until Sawyer was viable and that so far, it looked as if my membranes had not ruptured.

I was put in a room and in a position where my head was lower than my feet. The idea was to let gravity pull my amniotic sac back out of my cervix. They did not put me on antibiotics because there was no evidence of infection and it could single out the bad bacteria if they didn't put me on the right one. I settled in, it was awful, bed pans are not easy to use, and on days when Colin had to work I felt very alone. None of the discomfort mattered, I could stick it out to keep Sawyer alive. Hearing his heartbeat every 8 hours kept me sane. He was still going strong and he was as active as ever. On Monday (labor day) Colin got to feel him kick. It was the first time he had actually felt him, I finally got to share it with him. On Wednesday the doctor told me that the plan was to keep to the course we were on. I was frustrated, I wanted to see the high risk OB again and I wanted them to check to see if my membranes were making any changes. I called Colin crying and he decided he would take a half day from work to come be with me. I am so glad that we had made that decision. They let me get up to be weighed and use the bathroom, and about thirty minutes later I began to get pains in my left side. I thought that me getting up had caused them, and they confirmed that they were contractions. It was too early, I was 21 weeks and 6 days, they would do nothing to stop the contractions this early.

My sisters came, and Colin. They helped me through the worst of the contractions until I got my epidural. I felt numb and panicked at the same time. It was inevitable that he would be born too soon, but maybe, just maybe he would be that story. He would be that baby who would beat all of the odds. Around 9 PM the doctor checked me and said it would probably be another hour. They had just checked my temperature, and it was 96.9. The doctor commented that one side of my body felt very warm while the other felt very cold. Around 9:30 my entire body started to convulse. I was having chills that were uncontrollable. At 10, the doctor came back in. They took my temperature again, it was 101.4. She ordered cultures and they tried to get blood but my veins were not cooperating. At that point she said it was too late and that they needed to deliver Sawyer. I don't know where I found the strength to do it. I wanted to scream at them, and tell them they couldn't take him yet. I was so angry. It took about 30 minutes and I felt him leave me. The nurse cleaned him off and brought him to me wrapped in a blanket. He still felt warm, and I could feel the faintest beat of his heart. It took me a while to remember it, maybe I made it up, but I would like to think that he faded from the world while in his mother's arms. Colin and I were both a wreck, but they told me I needed to deliver the placenta. When they were unable to get it out, the doctor told me they would have to take me to the OR. I had to sign a paper, and they took me in. I was still shaking violently. They put me under for the D and C.

What I didn't know until after was that I almost died as well. The infection was bad, and no amount of drugs to stop labor would have kept Sawyer alive. My body failed to protect him. My fever spiked at 104 in the OR. When they brought me out they had to put a cooling blanket on me to bring it down below 101. I would be in the hospital another 4 days being pumped full of antibiotics to get my temperature under control. When they brought me back to my room my siblings were all there. They left, and Colin and I held Sawyer and talked to him. We let him know how much we loved him and wanted him. We told him we would never forget him. We touched his perfect little face and his tiny hands. I told him I was sorry. I know that I did not do anything to cause this, but it was my body that failed and I am still angry with my body for letting him down. We kissed him and said our goodbyes. We had a wonderful nurse that night, who took him to take pictures of him and told us that if we changed our minds and wanted him back in the room, she would get him at any time. I didn't think I could say goodbye again, so we chose to let him go. I haven't looked at the pictures yet, I am thinking I might look this weekend. Sawyer was in our lives for 5 1/2 months, and in this world for only a few moments, but he has completely changed our lives. I decided to start this blog to help remember Sawyer.