Adjustment

I am trying to get past the "what if" part of my grief. I am accepting that Sawyer is gone, and there is nothing that I can do to change that. It doesn't make me miss or love him less, but it does help to put one foot in front of the other and to stop crying constantly. I know that there will still be things that trigger tears, like hugs and sympathy cards, but not spending the entire day crying makes me feel less broken. Instead, I feel zombie-like. I am doing things, I am around people, but all with a layer of fog between us.

Thursday night I went to get my hair cut. My sisters and Aunt Mary went with me. I needed to change my hair, I had been growing it out during pregnancy and not coloring it. One of those "trying to do everything right" during pregnancy things. I felt like getting it cut and colored would be a good step in moving forward. Like the alcohol and brie, there was a pang of guilt, but I know that I can't get better if I don't allow myself things that make me feel better. I really like my hair. We went out to dinner after, and it was nice to hear about other things going on in everyone's lives. It did make me realize that if I want Sawyer acknowledged, or what happened acknowledged, I will have to bring it up. I get that people don't want to upset me, so I can adjust to that.

Friday night Colin and I went to my brother's house for dinner. My nephew (who is 5) right away said, "Hi Aunt Cheryl, I hear your baby came too early." All I could say was "Yes, he did come too early." This is one of the things I have been dreading, my youngest nieces and nephews talking about Sawyer. My niece was very excited about me having a baby, and I haven't seen her yet, but I am worried about her asking me about the baby. Colin seemed really concerned about me when my nephew asked about Sawyer, but I took a minuted to breathe and got it together. He is only 5, clearly he wasn't trying to upset me. The concept of a baby and in particular a dead baby is beyond his reasoning right now. It was nice to talk to my sister-in-law. She said there seems to be a bit of confusion at my work about what happened. She said some people have referred to my miscarriage. She has corrected them, I did not have a miscarriage, Sawyer was born. I worry that this will be something I have to correct for a long time. People not understanding the terminology, and not realizing that my son was alive when he was born, he was just too early for the doctors to be able to do anything to keep him alive.

Yesterday was a nice day. My husband decided we should do a day trip like the ones we did when we first started dating. We were just going to get in the car and go, and check out different places. We started at Great Falls, and the weather was great. I only wish I had worn more "outdoorsy" shoes and clothes. We are definitely going to go back, so next time I will be more prepared. We left the falls and headed towards DC. We decided to go to Chinatown. We walked around and decided on the Spanish tapas restaurant (in Chinatown, makes all the sense in the world.) The food was very nice. At one point I started zoning out, and Colin asked me what I was thinking about. I didn't answer, but what I was thinking was "This is not what I pictured for us this fall." I had pictured us preparing for a baby in the winter, and I had pictured us hanging with friends and family. My sister had a party at her house last night, I chose not to go. When Colin asked I told him I was not feeling particularly jovial and did not want to be the "Debbie downer" at the party. He understood. We headed home and stopped in Bowie to get Starbucks. While there, we decided to look around jewelry stores. Our 2nd anniversary is next week, and I had told Colin I would like to get a ring with sapphire (Sawyer's birthstone) as piece of memorial jewelry. He wanted me to pick it out because he wanted it to be something I liked. I found a beautiful silver, sapphire and diamond ring that I really liked. At the same time, I hate that I have to get a piece of memorial jewelry for my son. My son shouldn't be dead, he was a perfect healthy baby whose misfortune was in having a mother with an incompetent cervix. We sent the ring off to be sized, and I am excited to get it back on the 10th of October.

Colin and I are planning to go away in October, we have booked a three day weekend in Williamsburg, VA. It is a chance for us to get away from the house and be with each other. No distractions or other people, just us. We are using some money that I was planning to save for things we didn't get at a baby shower. I think this trip will be good for us.