A So-So Day

I was thinking about my 1st year of spanish class today when Colin asked me how my day was. I remember always answering "asi asi" when someone would ask "Como estas." "So So." What a perfect way to describe this day. There were positives. I went to lunch with one of my very best friends, and we talked about Sawyer and other things. She understands that talking about him is okay and that it validates that he was here. She understood my sudden burst of anger when I got a sympathy card today that said "sorry to hear about your miscarriage." I wanted to scream in the middle of my driveway "I DID NOT HAVE A MISCARRIAGE!" My son was born, his heart was beating, he died. I don't say this to diminish the pain of someone who has had a miscarriage, I cannot imagine that as I have never had one, but neonatal death and miscarriage are different. It felt good to talk to her and to not have to fake being okay.
 I made the decision when I knew that Sawyer was going to be born too early that I would not put my maternity clothes back on. I had just gone shopping for new ones before the school year started, and I could not see putting any of them back on when I was no longer pregnant and had no baby to bring home. I have been washing them and putting them in a space bag. Perhaps when we try again I will revisit them, maybe not. We'll see how I feel when the time comes. I decided that while I was out today I would stop at Old Navy and buy some non-maternity clothes to restock my supply and maybe even have a little "retail therapy." Maybe I should have just shopped online. I was doing okay looking for clothes, then a little red haired girl in a stroller said hello to me, and I almost lost it. My husband has red hair, and I always pictured Sawyer with red hair. He was too small for his hair to have pigment when he was born, so I will never know if he would have had red hair, but it still got me to see this happy little girl. The next hurdle was the dressing room. I had to walk through the baby section to get to it. I had officially had enough by the time I made it into the dressing room. I sat on the bench and cried for about 5 minutes, trying to stay quiet about it. Once I pulled myself together I tried on some clothes. They fit, but nothing felt right. I bought some stuff, but it lacked the excitement I used to get from new clothes. Everything seems bland or blurry right now. Like I am swimming through tar in the fog. Everything takes more effort and I can't see things all that well. It was an asi asi kind of day. Good things and bad things, and right now that seems the best that I can hope for.