I find myself repeating that mantra today. A friend of mine welcomed her little girl to the world today, and she has been through so much tragedy that I can't help but be overjoyed for her. At the same time I feel a burning heart ache. I looked forward to the same joy in January, and I just cannot seem to be connected to people who get that joy when I do not. I do not begrudge them their children, but I am jealous. I don't know how to let go of that jealousy. Nothing about this is fair. Maybe I should turn off my Facebook for a while. Just disengage with the outside world until I am ready to be truly happy for people.
I decided to start painting again, I am not the best, but it does help to get out some of my feelings on the canvas. This blogging seems to be helping too. Putting my feelings down in writing seems to verify them, and to let me get them out. I am still angry, and it is okay for me to feel angry. I also asked my sister to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I plan to make a drastic change. I was letting my hair stay long because someone suggested that I would probably want it out of the way when I gave birth in January. Now I just want it gone. I want it a different color (I wasn't dying it because of the baby) and I want it gone. I feel guilty taking a drink, guzzling caffeine, eating brie and I will probably feel guilty dying my hair. I shouldn't be able to do these things right now, I should still be pregnant. I want to scream that at the top of my lungs, but I can't find the air. I SHOULD STILL BE PREGNANT. My body robbed me of this, and I want to shed my own skin and get out of this traitorous body. Ugh. Get it together girl. There is no snapping out of this, I need to grieve and be kind to myself, but it is a challenge. Get it together.
No comments:
Post a Comment