Maybe too much too soon...

I asked Colin if we could go out last night to dinner. I thought, I need to get out of this house and so we should go. We invited two of our friends to go with us. I had two stipulations, we needed to go out of town so that I didn't run into someone I knew, and our friends could not hug me because that seems to be my trigger for crying. I know crying is okay, but I did not want to cry right before we went to dinner. I found out that maybe I wasn't ready, but in typical me fashion, I just pushed through it.

Things I am struggling with:

1. It felt like they put us in the baby/little boy section. Babies everywhere, little boys everywhere. I couldn't handle it. There was a baby about 5 feet away, and I kept finding my eyes traveling to the baby and then away before I started crying. I wonder how long this is going to last. It is like when you buy a new car and then you see a bunch of people with that same car, except it is the car you really wanted and don't get to have and everyone else has it.

2. I had trouble making eye contact or conversation with our friends. I love them, and I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. It was just hard. I find eye contact with most people really difficult right now.

3. I ordered a margarita and felt that pang of guilt and longing. I shouldn't have been able to drink that, I shouldn't be drinking, I should still be pregnant.

4. The baby weight is gone, I miss my pregnant body. I miss feeling my son.

I know I will have to work through these struggles. I made some paintings the other day, and it seemed to help get some of my feelings. I think more painting is in the future. Every day I just pause and tell Sawyer that I love him, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I just have to say it out loud when it strikes me. I hope I never stop doing that, no matter the tears it brings or the sudden bit of pain in my heart. I love my son, and I am a mother even if he is no longer here with me. I will never forget him, I will never get over him, I will always have him in my heart.