Drifting

What I should be doing right now--grading the mountain of papers in my bag, or planning for tomorrow's lessons, or doing laundry for our trip to Ocean City this week. I don't feel like doing any of these things. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about Ocean City (not so much the grading and planning,) but I am having trouble staying focused. I feel like my grief and anxiety are waves in the ocean, and they wash ashore, sweeping away the clarity in my mind. Things that help are 1) watching something on TV that requires little thought, 2) talking to my husband about his job, because I don't understand any of it, and 3) eating dark chocolate with sea salt in it (calms me right down.) Another thing that has helped me lately is thinking about the the ways I have changed since Sawyer passed. So here is my "things that are different" list:

1. I rarely laugh for real anymore. I don't know why, but even things that were once hilarious, only seem mildly funny now. Perhaps my sense of humor will return at some point, but what is left is down right dark.

2. I have no room for other peoples grief. Perhaps this too will change, but for right now, mine is too big for me to make space for anyone else's grief.

3. I have zero tolerance for bratty teenagers. Put your life in perspective, losing a fucking sporting event or having your phone taken away is NOT the worst thing that could happen. It really is enough to make me scream.

4. I am becoming a militant atheist. I used to be an apathetic atheist. Fine, believe what you want to believe. But why should religious people get to be the only pushy ones? If they can tell me that I should believe in some magical sky parent, why can't I tell them he doesn't exist. That their lives really aren't that significant, and that there is no paradise waiting for them. P.S. Why do you need a book and a magical sky parent to tell you to be a good person or you will burn in hell? Why not be a good person because it is the right thing to do? Douche bags. People have asked before how I can look at the world an not believe in a god. The first time I truly questioned the idea of a loving creator was when my grandmother (who was the most important person to me) was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. A woman who had devoted her life to God and her family was doomed to forget the very people she loved most. When she forgot my name, I forgot why I ever believed in a god in the first place. Now, I am even more certain that life is random, and bad shit happens to good people, and there is no rhyme or reason, or master plan. Sawyer did not die for a reason, he died because I had an infection, my body worked against us both, and life is really fucking shitty sometimes.

5. My fandom obsessions are growing. I used to keep my love of all nerdy things hidden from most people, except for Colin since he has to live with me and see all of the nerdiness. The reality is I love Dr. Who, and The Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter, and Supernatural, and The Vampire Diaries, and its spin-off The Originals. I love them all.

6. My brain can really only handle young adult novels right now. I think because they won't typically have my type of loss in them. Other than those, any books that support my idea that religious people are crazy sheep also appeal to me.

7. I have never been a big fan of hugging, but now I like it even less. Get away from me, especially if it is an "I'm so sorry" hug.

8. I don't need my mother. This has been building for some time, but has become more obvious to me since Sawyer died. She is no longer the woman who raised me, she is a petty woman with a drug addiction and mental illness. She refuses to get professional help, instead relying on a religious leader to  counsel her. I thought that in my time of excruciating pain I would miss her, but I don't. I am determined to tend to my own garden, and she can tend to hers.

Just some random info about the new me. Settling into this new skin is painful and I am not sure I like the new me, but for right now I will make my way through it. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving in Ocean City. I am still dreading Christmas and my birthday. I wish Colin and I could afford a trip to someplace during that time where no one knows us. Nothing about the holidays seems joyful this season.