The workaholic returns

It has been a while since I posted, mostly because I am back to being completely overwhelmed by work. Grading and lesson planning take up most of my free time. Sometimes it is a good thing, it helps me not to think too much about what this time of year was supposed to mean for us this year. All of these people are talking about what they are grateful for, and how "blessed" they are. I really just want to write "fuck you" on all of their Facebook posts. Bah-fucking-hum-bug!! I am not decorating for Xmas, it all seems particularly irritating this year. I was supposed to be waiting for Sawyer's arrival, not pretending I am excited about watching someone else open a present. I am going to go through the motions, presents for the nieces and nephews (because my miserableness is not their fault and I like buying them books every year,) and dinner with the siblings- because they have been there for me, but I honestly just want this season to be over. I want to wake up and have it be February or March. I want to be past Sawyer's due date. Another reason I would like to speed time up is that the fertility doctor told me he wants to wait until February or March to start treatments again. It took all I had not to cry in his office. So I am trying not to let it get me down too much, but that coupled with the fact that I should be impossibly pregnant right now instead of mourning my son, have me in a particular state of Scrooge-ness. I hate this, and I can't escape it.

So my goals until February or March:
1. Lose more weight, I am down about ten pounds, but I certainly need to lose more.
2. Try on our own to get pregnant, practice makes perfect right?
3. Find meditation or something else non-medicinal that will help me with my anxiety.
4. Stop beating myself up for being sad, I am allowed to still be sad, if other people don't like it, fuck'em.
5. Spend time with the friends who have made time for me in my new state of being. I love my monthly dates with Holly, and I hope we keep them up for the rest of our adult lives.
6. Make Sawyer's place in our home more permanent by framing his picture and finishing his memory box. I want people who come to our home to know we have a son. He may not be alive, but he is our son- he deserves to be recognized as such.

So come on February and March! I truly do hope that other people enjoy the holidays, but remember, not everyone is jolly right now, and sometimes your jolliness is just a reminder of what they are missing.