The Ups and Downs

I am becoming an Oscar worthy actress. I can fake my way through my day, my life, seemingly without effort. Acting is hard work though, and I end my days exhausted from the performance. Lately I have been having some flashbacks from labor and delivery. Flashes of holding Sawyer for the first time, when he was still warm and his heart was still beating. Flashes of being wheeled to the OR, shaking uncontrollably, knowing Sawyer would not be warm when I returned. They hit me when I least expect it, rendering me quiet and often trying to fight back tears. While they are painful, I treasure the memories of my son, I have so few. 

Another friend announced her pregnancy online today. I knew she was pregnant before I lost Sawyer, but it was still a sharp pain in my heart to see it. I want to be happy for people, but I am just bitter. I want to yell "Fuck you and your happiness" to these people. Why do they get this happiness? Why are they so sure that a positive pregnancy test, or a sonogram means they are going to bring home a baby? I was sure, and now I will never be sure of anything again. 

I am making an effort to be happy again. I just can't seem to find my footing in this new world. This world where I am always reminded of what I have lost. Our neighbor had her baby. She is a former student of mine, and she had a healthy baby, and I am so angry. I really only like to watch TV that I have recorded so that I can fast forward through the plethora of commercials for baby items or that just feature babies (that stupid insurance commercial.) I have begun to hide anyone from my Facebook feed who has a baby, I just can't look at the pictures and happiness. I am hoping that someday all of this will be easier. I am hoping that the fertility doctors will help us conceive a little brother or sister for Sawyer, and that my experience with childbirth will not always be one of sadness and grief. I will not take it for granted that a positive test equals a living baby ever again though. 

I am dreading the holidays and my birthday. Sawyer was supposed to be my birthday present this year. I was supposed to spend Christmas celebrating my impending motherhood. I hate this new life, but I will continue to be an actress, and I will let my exhaustion consume me at the end of the day.