Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I was so excited that I would be celebrating my birthday and the birth of our son around the same time. I was thrilled that Sawyer and I would have close birthdays. I am crushed that this is not the case. All of these people are posting on Facebook about what a good year 2013 was for them and how they are excited for 2014. I thought 2014 was going to be the best year of my life. Now I just can't believe that this is my life. 2013 started as a fantastic year. When we found out in April that the IUI had worked I was over the moon. I was cautious, we waited until we hit 10 weeks before telling people, but it was a nice secret to keep. I spent the summer having a great pregnancy, hanging with family, and looking forward to this next phase of our lives. September made this the worst year of my life. Sawyer's death has rocked me to my core. I am not the same person I was on September 3rd.
Christmas was hard. I couldn't help but think that I should still be pregnant. It made it that much harder to see my nieces and nephews playing together. Sawyer will never truly be a part of this. Both Colin and I have been having trouble with the holidays, not just because they are a reminder of what we lost, but because Sawyer's due date was so close to these holidays. We had originally planned to go to Colin's parent's house on Christmas after spending Christmas Eve with my family. The original plan changed, and Colin and I decided we just couldn't go. His parents were understanding, but one of his relatives sent him a message trying to guilt him into coming. They had the nerve to say that we weren't the only ones having a hard year, basically implying that we were being selfish for not coming to Christmas. It took everything I had not to send a message back. We are grieving for our son, we have every right to be selfish as we navigate these new waters. The message completely changed Colin's demeanor on Christmas Eve, and ruined what had started as an okay night for us.
Yesterday I started my new tests at the fertility doctor. I still need to lose weight, I have not been doing very well with sticking to my clean eating over the break. I will keep working at it. I can only hope that in the next month I can get down to the weight I need to be in order for them to start IUI. I am hoping that we can have another baby before 2014 is over, and maybe salvage what is starting out as the worst of years. I know that if we do get pregnant again it won't be an easy road--I will need to get a cerclage, there is possible bed rest in the future, and I will have to deal with the anxiety of knowing that just getting past the first trimester does not mean you will take a living baby home--but I want this badly. So, as much as I would like a time machine--I wish I could go back and tell myself to demand the doctor at maternal fetal medicine take a closer look, and then demand a cerclage---I have to look forward. I am hopeful that this new year will be better than the last four months have been.
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